I’m going to give it another week and see if my supply picks up from my trip home. If not, I think I am going to stop. I’m ready to stop. Before I felt kind of guilty about it but I’ve gotten over that. I know Ruby will do just fine on milk and that she’s already received a lot of the benefits from being fed breast milk so long. I only have slight concerns with how my hormones will shift and whether or not I will suddenly put on weight from stopping. Lord knows I don’t need any help in that department.

It was cold (-20 with windchill) but it could have been colder (right, Missus Gamgee?) with only a couple of inches of snow on the ground. Looks as though the tempreture had been above normal. Until Ruby and I decided to show up! Oh well. My Minnesotan kicked in as soon as we got off the plane and it didn’t bother me. Ruby didn’t seem phased by the weather either.

My parents have two dogs, two German shepherds. Ruby was so exited about them, she squealed with happiness every time they were around and would point to them and say ‘kitty!”. I was slightly concerned with how they would be around her, especially their black GS, Gabe. My parent adopted him from a GS Rescue place about 3 years ago and when they first got him he was very skittish and anti-social (he’d been beaten severely by a previous owner), the first few times I saw him he wouldn’t even come near me. But my parents have really worked with him and he’s like a completely different dog. He’s good with my sister’s (way more obnoxious) kids  and he was wonderful with Ruby. He let her “pet” him and he’d even take food out of her hand without so much as a nibble to her little fingers. One time I even caught her sharing food with him as he ate out of his bowl. I about crapped myself but nothing, he didn’t growl or anything.

It was a busy week. I spent time with my mom and dad during the day and then after Ruby went to bed I would borrow my parent’s car and go over to my brother’s house to hang out with him and his wife. We watched Ghostbusters II, Larked* on the frozen lake, and enabled each other’s sugar addictions by having Candy Cane Blizzards at Dairy Queen. I also spent time with my Grandma (her friends at her senior assisted living facility LOVED Ruby) and my sister who used me as her guinea pig for some thing she’s learning at beauty school. One of my eyebrows is a little…off…but I have cute red toenails now!

Then the week was over and it was time for us to go home. It’s always mixed. I’m happy to be going home to see AH (he never comes with me) but I am really sad about leaving my family. Right before we leave I always contemplate having a serious talk with AH when I get home about moving back to Minneapolis. It makes me sad to think that I will probably never live there again (AH is a wimp when it comes to the cold). I loved it so much! And then I get home and back to our house and then I’m not so sure. I just hate missing so much with my family. But then I’d miss things here too. It really sucks.

*What is larking you ask? Y’know those scooters that the elderly use? There’s a brand called Lark. My brother’s buy them cheap off Craigslist, supe them up, and ride them around town oftentimes dragging each other around behind them on skateboards, sleds, or skis, depending on the weather. It was freezing cold but it was a lot of fun. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. Just a note though. Chucks are NOT conducive to subzero tempretures. My toes were probably pretty close to some kind of frostbite by the time we were done. 

All that aside (because I’m not going to think about that anymore) I am trying to have a better attitude about how this flight will go. Not exactly looking forward to being on a plane with a squirmy 1-YO but I am going to cross my fingers that things go well (please go better than last time) and that the seat next to me at the back of the plane remains empty. That will be instrumental to Ruby’s enjoyment of the flight. Ample books and snacks will also be provided in attempt to appease the she-beast.

The weather in MN is a balmy -10  with the windchill. Woo! The weather had been unseasonably warm-up until this week. Figures. Since it’s 55 here at home I am packing our coats and putting them on before we leave the airport in Minneapolis. Ruby hates her puffy winter coat…and her hat…and I haven’t even had to attempt gloves yet!

After our staff meeting I spent some time making my little ceramic cells. They’re nothing new and innovating but at least I am making something. I am hoping to sign up for a ceramics class back at my alma mater that starts in the next month. It will be nice to be back in my old classroom, which I miss dearly, and to be around other working artists. Access to the kiln will be nice too!

Up until this point we have been bringing Ruby’s food from home but now I am going to let her eat the food that daycare provides. Not only will it be one less thing for me/AH to do in the evening (getting her food ready) but it will be a good lesson in me letting go of a little control. I can’t control everything that she eats all the time. We’ve been reassured that sugary snack are not served 99.9% of the time (sugar is my biggest concern) and they gave us a list of things that they serve which seems to be reasonable.

Considering my addiction to sugar I realize not wanting her to much sugar is a little hypocritical of me but I am really trying to cut back on my sugar intake. Ignoring the Mint Oreos I ate last night after dinner I didn’t have any other……oh yeah..and that Mt. Dew at lunch…..oh, and that Milky Way Midnight on break…..Well shit. Okay, so I am trying to cut back on my sugar. And sadly, a Mt. Dew, a candy bar, and half a dozen Oreos is cutting back for me.

Even if my sugar intake is still higher than it should be I have at least been exercising. On Saturday I took a P.ure Bar.re class (kind of like a mixture of pilates and strength training, while occasionally using a barre and a few ballet moves) with some of my friends. I’ve wanted to try the class for a while but I’ve been a bit intimidated by the size 0 chicks I always see coming and going from the studio. I went though and really enjoyed it. I really felt it the next day in a hurts-so-good kind of way. It’s a shame that the classes are $20 each otherwise I’d keep going. Sunday I walked with Ruby and yesterday I dusted off my copy of 30-Day Shred and did it for the first time. Thanks for the ass kicking, Jillian!

Slowly but surely I will get there. My first big goal is 20 pounds. When I hit that goal I am going to sign up for adult ballet lessons. Something I always wanted as a kid but my parents could never afford.  I am super psyched about that

I think this is the longest that she’s been in the house without leaving since she was 4 days old!  But she’s got plenty of things to keep her occupied. Like cat toys:

her Melissa and Doug tunnel and some sales ads:

or her old bathtub:

Mommy on the other hand is ready to go OUT somewhere! Oh, and if you’re curious-this is what HFM disease kind of looks like. Her bumps are contained to her wrist and booty. The doctor said that she has some mouth sores too but I haven’t been able to see them. She gets a little bitey when fingers go in her mouth. I’d rather keep all ten of mine, thankyouverymuch!

I started this blog it was so that I could vent/bitch/whatever about TTC (and eventually pregnancy) whilst keeping it on the DL from my friends and family. They still don’t know about it. Only AH does. I didn’t blog about TTC and pregnancy on myname.com  because, well, if you’ve followed me for a while then you know that I wasn’t the happiest pregnant lady in all the land. Myname.com is supposed to be, I suppose, on the more professional side. At the very least NOT the place where I bitch about how pissed I am (was) about being pregnant. I mean, I guess I could have blogged about it but then I would have had to come out of the closet that I was pregnant which I didn’t want to do and I would have opened myself up to well-meaning but sometimes annoying unwanted advice.

Now that I am past my pregnancy angst I am annoyed with having two blogs. I need to simplify the process, kill two birds with one stone. I would like to combine them, or maybe ix-nay this one and just have people follow me on myname.com. I haven’t yet though because I don’t know if I am ready to open up my comically large box of issues and expose them and my fuckupedry to those who know my in my everyday, real life. But at the same time I want the blog to reflect ME, dysfunctional, messed up me. Otherwise I don’t think there is a point to writing the darn thing in the first place. I want to share my creative struggles and occasionally frustrations with life. And the good stuff, of course.

I need to just be more like a honey badger and not give a fuck.

Unlike the honey badger though I DO give a shit. I’m scared.

Logically I know there is no reason to be scared about opening up to people. I am a flawed person just like everyone else out there and I am certainly not the first artist to struggle creatively. Have you seen all the books written about creative struggles?? I think that I have done such a good job at convincing people (that aren’t super close to me or readers of this blog) that I am a confident person who has her shit together and is super awesome and I don’t want disappoint people. While I may still be awesome at times I am definitely NOT confident about many, many things. Logically I also know that I shouldn’t care what people, be they friends or strangers, think of me. I guess I just wanted to be accepted for who I am, flaws and all, but I don’t trust that people will.

In the past I have taken what some people might see as big risks. I moved away from my family and everything I knew to move to KY to be with my would-be husband which eventually lead me become pregnant with Ruby. I was scared to move away from home but it turned out to be awesome. I was ridiculously, over-the-top freaked out about getting pregnant but as I watch Ruby climbing on top of an 18-gallon Rubbermaid container (and trying to figure out how to get off of it) I wouldn’t change it for the world. I am thrilled that things worked out the way that they did and I am happy that I took those risks.

It may be time to take another risk. To be a honey badger. To not give a shit.

Ruby was extra awesome this weekend. The switch flipped and she went from taking only a few steps to walking anywhere and everywhere. Oh my gosh, it is the cutest thing. Ever. We went shopping at Old Navy and thanks to her newfound talent, even the Bjorn carrier no longer held the same appeal. She will no longer be contained! She wanted to walk around everywhere. I wish I had my phone with me in the store because I would have loved to capture the look on her face as she toddled down the aisle. She looked SO proud of herself and had the cutest grin on her face. It just made me melt.

She also made great strides with the sippee cup this weekend and learned to say, “uh-oh!” Tomorrow she will be saying her alphabet and then getting her driver’s license.

Progress report to follow.

After arriving to AH’s parents house we had dinner, Ruby opened her gifts  AH opened her gifts which she paid attention to for all of 10 seconds and then I went to bed at 9. I’d love to say that my mood had improved but I was still grumpy from lack of sleep and constantly trying to prevent AH’s parents from giving Ruby stuff we didn’t want her to eat. After more traveling to another relatives house we left for home. I was still exhausted but Thankfully Ruby slept most of the way this time. This morning I had to work.

Not the most thrilling holiday for me but Ruby seemed to enjoy herself. She got to hang out with grandma and grandpa. She received a ridiculous amount of gifts (we didn’t buy her anything but we knew that she would get more than she could ever use) so many that I really don’t know what we are going to do with them all. She honestly could seem to care less about most of them. Her favorite thing that she got was one of AH’s old Pound Purries. She likes to chew on its nose. So easy to please